When you discover that you are attracted to people who will not commit to you, have relationships that seem like a roller coaster ride and end up being rejected and consistently fail to develop feelings for people who treat you well…
Unresolved problems and couple relationships
So it is possible that in choosing your relationships you are starting from unresolved issues.
Unresolved issues can cause you to be attracted to people who are not good matches for you and not to be attracted to those who might be.
It makes it dangerous to trust your instincts because they make things that are wrong for you seem right.
Theory of Freud
The Freud theory of repetition compulsion describes this problem very well:
Even good parents make mistakes. There is no such thing as a perfect parent and children are affected by their parent’s mistakes.
But a child’s mind is not yet mature enough to see that this is a defect in his parents and perceives it as a defect in himself. This creates feelings of being worthless and unwanted, which accompany the person into adulthood.
A compulsion develops to prove their worth or to gain the acceptance and love that eluded them before. They unconsciously seek out people with whom they can repeat that dynamic from their past, only this time, they will make sure it works!
I’m not good enough
If you had a parent who somehow made you feel that you were not good enough, you may be attracted to people who make you feel that you are not good enough.
The same is true for someone who had absent, neglectful, or critical parents.
You will feel that they are the “right” person if they also have that element because you are obsessed with proving your worth and earning their love.
Sometimes someone may try to resolve a dynamic that existed between your parents. You identify with one of them and are attracted to people who resemble the other. It is an attempt by your subconscious to get from them the response you felt your father deserved to have.
A healthy and long-lasting relationship
This is disastrous for creating a healthy and lasting relationship. You would not accept that kind of behavior from a partner. Someone who doesn’t give you something important should cause you to lose interest in them.
Instead, what should make you want to be with that person is how well you feel you are treated by them. This way you would be evaluating whether the relationship meets your needs rather than getting lost in worrying about convincing someone that they should want to be with you.
Fixing this problem is complicated
Your compulsive nature is so strong that it resembles an addiction. People have to make mistakes over and over again and suffer the consequences before they become desperate enough to stop doing things this way and seek help to find a new path.
A therapist, for example, can help you see things more objectively and uncritically and can help you see things from a much healthier perspective.
Fixing this dynamic requires you to understand that you were always valuable and lovable the way you are.
Placing blame on your parents
Attention, you must be careful not to lose yourself in blaming your parents or getting depressed about your problems.
God assigns us the parents we need. There are even Jewish sources that say that the soul chooses from which parents it wishes to be born, to achieve its purpose in life.
Working on our shortcomings brings us closer to God and is the key to developing our potential to the fullest.
Your parents are just the vehicle for this Divine purpose!
What does love feel like?
To heal requires redefining what “love” feels like.
Just take some time to reflect on what a wonderful feeling it must be to be with someone who chooses you, who sees who you are and not what you are not.
Someone you can enjoy being with because it’s not a struggle. Pay attention to the sensations in your body when you imagine them. Internalize it.
Take permission to expect exactly that. Defy any inner voice that tells you that you are not worthy of having him.
You have the choice
You can keep reproducing the familiar dynamic, or you can experience something different. Instead of rationalizing or overlooking when someone doesn’t treat you the right way, enjoy what it’s like to be with someone who can give you what you need.
Translation by infomistico.com and adaptation of an article by author Liz Wallenstein for aishlatino.com